How to Deal With Unresolved Anger

by Michael Hughes

Have you ever had a cold sore? It’s caused by a virus called herpes simplex.

If you’ve ever had it then you’ve got it for life.

When you’re healthy and happy, the virus slinks away and hides in your nerve cells just biding its time (a horrible thought, I know).

But, if you get run-down, very emotional or upset, out it comes like a vulture, ready to prey upon the weak and frail.

And, just like a virus, unresolved anger is hiding in your mind and body – waiting for a chance to come out and attack someone.

And that someone could be your wife, husband, son, daughter, mother or father – the anger doesn’t care.

Anger spreads by making other people angry as well.

How Do You Know if You Have Unresolved Anger?

Think back to a time when someone hurt you – either physically or mentally.

Perhaps they were mean, rude or out-and-out cruel.

What do you feel?

Do you feel resentment?

Do you get upset and emotional?

If so, you have unresolved anger.

If You Have Unresolved Anger, What Should You do?

The first thing is to make sure you meditate to control anger, as I teach, at least twice each day.

This will help you to control your anger now, in the present.

When you meditate you may see images of a time when you were upset and angry but now you’ll be able to re-experience them in an aware, objective state.

Simply observing the anger-memories in this state may be enough to resolve them so that they’ll no longer affect you.

Although, it may take a long time.

But you can use the zone-point technique to speed-up the process.

The Zone-Point Technique for Dealing with Anger

I want you to sit upright in a chair.

Put your hands on your knees or in your lap, take deep breath and let it out.

As you breathe out, allow your shoulders to fall down and relax. Do this another two times.

Now, become aware of your hands so that you can feel them. Give yourself a few moments and when you can really feel your hands you’re ready for the next step.

Your memories and experiences are stored in your brain like layers of an onion – the most recent experiences are on the outer layers and memories from the past lie in deeper layers.

I want you want to deal with the recent experiences first – those on the outermost layers.

Don’t attempt to go too deep and try to deal with an earlier memory before you’ve dealt with the most recent ones first.

Think back to a recent time when you were angry.

Perhaps a car cut-in-front of you when you were driving or someone was cruel or a work colleague was rude – whatever it was I want you to think about it.

Now, when you think about it do you get upset?

Because I want you to get upset – I want you to re-experience the emotion.

And I want you to put a number on the intensity of the emotion.

For example, if you feel no emotion at all, I want you to give it a ZERO.

And if it’s the angriest you’ve ever been, I want you to give it a TEN.

Of course, if it’s halfway between the two you’ll give it a FIVE.

Not only do I want you to feel the emotion but I want you to locate it in your body.

When you can locate the place (an Emotional Zone-Point) focus on it – feel it.

Try to pinpoint it. When you do this an amazing thing will happen – the zone-point will get smaller.

But what’s even more amazing is that your anger will get smaller too.

Keep focusing on the zone-point until you can’t feel it any more or until it’s shrunk so small that you can barely notice it.

Then, bring-up the same memory again. Now what do you feel? And what level is it?

Is it in the same place or has it moved?

Is the intensity the same or has it dropped?

If the level is greater than zero, focus on the zone-point again until it shrinks.

Keep bringing-up the memory until you don’t get a reaction.

When you’ve reached that stage, move on to another memory and repeat the process.

But don’t work on more than 2 memories per day as it may be too much.

Keep an Anger Diary

I want you to keep a simple diary of your zone-point exercises.

Pick about 5 recent anger-memories and number them from 1-5

For each memory write down a few words to describe the event – it doesn’t have to be detailed just as long as you understand it.

You could even draw a small picture.

Then work on the first one and then move on to the next one.

But remember, don’t work on more than 2 per day.

Then, the next day, after you sit down in your chair and become aware of your hands, start again with the first anger-memory.

Remember, you gave it a level of intensity from zero to ten the last time.

Now when you conjure-up that memory again, what level does it have this time?

Is it the same? Is it less? Has the Zone-Point moved?

If it’s zero you can move on to your next memory.

Do this for all of your 5 memories in turn.

The Zone-Point Technique for Dealing With Anger in Daily Life

When you’ve worked with the Zone-Point Technique for a while, you’ll be able to use it in your daily life.

In the past, anger would take control of you so quickly that you’d be completely unaware of the affect on those around you until it was too late.

Whether they were friends, workmates or your own children.

But now, if you feel anger rising, you’ll able to recognise it in an instant and focus on the Emotional Zone-Point until it shrinks and you can regain control of yourself.

This method doesn’t replace the meditation technique but adds to it.

The Zone-Point technique will help you resolve the anger issues you already have and ones from your past.

But your daily meditation will stop you reacting badly in the present and building up problems for the future.

The meditation technique is the foundation and you still need to do it every day so that you don’t pick-up more anger issues.

Because it only takes one bad reaction to ruin months of work on yourself.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

mania

thank you ,it is useful and i will do what ever you suggested.I have not received e book yet.

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

Hi Mania,

You should have received an email with a link to the ebook. Please check your junk mail as it may have ended-up in there.

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Sarah Costanzo

Yes Mike when you were abused you can turn into what you hate the most. We need to find better ways to deal with the anger. My life has been a search for solutions to anger, hate, abuse, neglect. i am not great at meditation but find peace in nature were my mind finds peace,
i am open to anything that helps though, Thanks, Mike

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

You’re welcome Sarah – thanks for the comment.

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Miki aka Michal

In my endless attitude of gratitude, the divine in me humbly bows to the divine in you Mike! =D Thank you for sharing simple techniques to overcome unresolved anger issues. Stay blessed! 🙂

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

Thanks for commenting Miki.

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Göksel

Thanks Mike. This is helpful.

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

You’re welcome Göksel.

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Aruna P Jonchhe

Thank you,Mike. I have been trying to do it your way re unresolved anger . It has helped to certain extent. But my problem is,it is so so difficult to silence my mind.
Another,can’t stay focussed.

Reply

Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

Hi Aruna,

Don’t try to silence your mind because that’s using will.
And you must give up will.

In meditation the challenge is to give up struggle. But it can be a struggle to give up struggle.

Don’t force your mind to be silent – just watch the thoughts that are there with out making any judgments.

And eventualy your mind will be silent.

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lolit

this artcle really helps those who has issues w/emotions keeping them in instead of letting it all out. thanks for sharing.

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

Yes Lolit, there is a way to “let out your emotions” and resolve them without hurting others.

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Debby

Great article and I think if you are dealing with specific instances, the methods described would be very helpful. But how do you apply them when the anger is the result of knowing about the ongoing and endemic cruelty of humans towards anything that is weaker than us, children, innocent people, animals. We are a cruel species.

It’s not like I can bring up that one instance of someone being unfair to me and then work on ‘washing’ that clean from my soul. I start thinking of one instance that I’m aware of, and it comes flooding in with a million other travesties! Where to start? I live with some degree of anger always even though my life is good.

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Profile photo of Michael Hughes Michael Hughes

Yes Debby, this technique is for dealing with specific incidents.

But the anger you feel when seeing the cruelty of others comes about due to judgement.

There are cruel people but there are kind people as well.

And there will always be things to resent, if you choose to.

And, yes, it is a choice.

You need to meditate which will help you choose not fall into the resentment which leads to anger.

And where to start is right where you are, with your own family, your own friends and strangers.

When your son or daughter comes in the house with muddy shoes, there’s the choice to resent or not to resent.

When someone steps on your toe, there’s no choice not to feel pain but there is the choice to not resent.

And when someone steals your parking space on purpose there’s the choice again.

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carol

i dont feel anger i feel saddness..what do i do with that

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Cristi Beehn

great article. Im rather hesitant to download the book.

always seems to backfire

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